LADIES AND GENTLEMEN THIS IS YOUR CAPT..........

Should have finished "TAIN SPEAKING,WE ARE ABOUT TO CRASH BRACE ,BRACE,BRACE".but I did'nt have time as we went in from 500feet straight into the runway at Luton airport at about 200 knots.
Let me explain.Lyn for my 60th bought me a simulator experience on a 737-300,and yesterday was my day,so I found myself at Luton airport feeling pretty confident and a degree nervous prior to my take off slot of 11.00 zulu(sounds good but haven't a clue what it means) there were a couple of other novices on this shared experience together with our instructor,a young Ryanair 1st officer.He explained how the session would proceed in that we would each have 20mins in the left hand seat and 20 mins in the right with a futher 20mins in the jump seat.Now I have seen lots of pictures of flight decks and also caught glimpses when flying,but to actually sit in one is quite awesome,there are sooooo many switches and dials all in what is quite a confined space.There must have been at least 20knobs and levers just to get the seat feeling right.Anyway I managed to get in the left hand seat first which basically meant I would be flying it for the first 20mins.I say flying loosely as it was going to be the other way round and it was going to flying me !!!! The instructor set us up for a departure from Luton,and the it was time to release the parking brake (even that was difficult) and increase the power setting to a predetermined level and then we were off zigzagging down the runway,with all the feelings and noises of a real plane.The instructor called V1 and shortly after V2 Rotate so I pulled back,perhaps a little too hard as we shot off like a F16 in a near vertical climb all pinned to our seats until the inevitable happened we stalled with a loud chattering noise shortly followed by a violent automatic forward movement of the control stick,which shoved the nose down to get us out of the stall,which it did thankfully.Once we were in level flight it was relatively easy to keep the thing straight and level,basically you have to follow the Flight Director by keeoing a small square box right slap bang in the middle of the cross hairs of the Director and where that moves you move,always keeping the box in the middle.After a gentle turn to the left the instructor set me up on an 8 mile final into Luton ,and again all I had to do was to follow the Flight Director ,well on a landing it all seemed a lot harder trying to keep the box in the middle what with the flaps coming down as well as the landing gear,one mintue it was telling me to go up then down,it was very very hard to keep the thing straight and level.All this time I had not looked ahead once, as the instructor says even a brief look out can disorientate you. It felt just like a porpoise movement,and must have been terrible for the 150 souls in the back,but at 500ft I glanced out and saw this small stretch of tarmac coming up very fast with (Matt )2 reds and 2 whites so we were at the correct height and on the centre line.The next few seconds went very quickly before I heard 50, 40 , 30 ,retard retard 20,10 and then a bone crunching smack as we slammed into the runway,a quick dose of reverse thrust and hard on the brakes and we were down and stoped on the runway with no burst tyres but a few loose fillings.The next takeoff was better as I managed to follow the Flight Director much more accurately and we were soon established in a smooth climb to 5000ft before levelling off for another 8 mile final into Luton.This started ok but got worse and worse the nearer we got,I was putting in too many less than smooth inputs and the auto throttle was having difficulty in keeping up,and the porpoise motion got worse and worse,the more inputs I put in the more violent the reaction to the point where I couldn't follow the Director at all, and with 500ft to go I managed to nose dive it into the centre of the runway.At least we hit the runway,so we were straight.The next 20mins were spent in the Jump seat getting more and more queasy as my fellow trainees threw the thing all over the sky. For last 20 mins I was in the right hand seat doing the flaps, gear, height and heading so at least I had something to concentrate on and the sicky feeling soon went.The first attempt at landing by Shane(one of the Trainees) resulted in a go around as although we were still flying there was no way we were going to get down.The last and final attempt (despite super human efforts by our instructor with manic movements of the throttles ,and control column)resulted in us shooting off the end of the runway at 140knots and ending up in the long term carpark.The violent nature of this landing knocked the instructor off his feet and also knocked the whole simulator off its hydraulic jacks, which resuled in quite a bit of resetting.
So ladies and gentlemen I trust you had a pleasant flight and we look forward to welcoming you aboard ARMAN AIRWAYS once again in the not too distant future.Give us a few weeks to dig the plane out of the ground and settle the insurance claim.A safe onward journey to you all.
Thanks Lyn brilliant